Breaking: Binbows 11 Update Breaks Everything
In a shocking turn of events, our latest update has successfully broken every computer it was installed on. "This is exactly what we intended," says our Chief Bug Officer.
Published: 5 minutes agoWelcome to Michaelsoft Binbows
Your Trusted Technology Parner Since 1975*
*Actually since last Tuesday
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Binbows Update Required
🔄 Installing update 1 of 847...
Please do not turn off your computer. This may take several years.
Our Amazing Prodcuts
Binbows 11
The most secure* operating system ever created!
*Security not guaranteed
- ✅ Crashes only 3 times per day
- ✅ Blue Screen of Death now in HD!
- ✅ Automatic updates you can't disable
- ✅ Built-in spyware for your convenience
Orifice 365
The productivity suite that makes you less productive!
- ✅ Clippy's evil twin: Clappy
- ✅ Documents that corrupt themselves
- ✅ Subscription required for basic features
- ✅ Incompatible with all other software
Edgy Browser
The browser that nobody asked for!
- ✅ Automatically sets itself as default
- ✅ Impossible to uninstall
- ✅ Tracks everything you do
- ✅ Slower than Internet Explorer
Latest News from Michaelsoft
New Feature: Mandatory Restart Every 10 Minutes
We're excited to announce that Binbows will now restart automatically every 10 minutes to ensure optimal performance. Users cannot disable this feature.
Published: YesterdayPrivacy Update: We Now Read Your Mind
Thanks to our new NeuroLink integration, Binbows can now access your thoughts directly. Don't worry, we only use this data to show you more relevant ads.
Published: Last weekWhat Our Users Say
"Binbows crashed my computer so many times, I gave up and became a farmer. Best decision ever!"
- John D., Former IT Professional"I tried to uninstall Edgy Browser for 3 years. It's still there. I've accepted my fate."
- Sarah M., Defeated User"Orifice 365 deleted my thesis. Twice. I'm now studying philosophy instead."
- Mike R., Philosophy StudentOur Premium Servises
🔧 Technical Suport
Our world-class support team is here to help! Average wait time: 47 hours.
- ✅ "Have you tried turning it off and on again?"
- ✅ "It works on my machine"
- ✅ "That's a feature, not a bug"
- ✅ "Please restart your computer 73 times"
☁️ Cloud Servises
Store your data in our "secure" cloud! We promise not to lose it... much.
- ✅ 99.9% uptime* (*when the servers feel like it)
- ✅ Unlimited storage** (**up to 1MB)
- ✅ Advanced encryption*** (***ROT13)
- ✅ Automatic backups**** (****to /dev/null)
🎓 Training Servises
Learn how to use our products! Warning: May cause existential crisis.
- ✅ "How to Accept Software Crashes"
- ✅ "Living with Constant Updates"
- ✅ "Advanced Ctrl+Alt+Del Techniques"
- ✅ "Meditation for IT Professionals"
Suport Center
Need Help? You're Not Alone!
Millions of users worldwide are struggling with our software. Join the club!
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: Why does Binbows keep crashing?
A: It's not crashing, it's "taking a break." Try feeding it more RAM.
Q: How do I uninstall Edgy Browser?
A: You don't. Edgy Browser uninstalls you.
Q: Is my data safe?
A: Define "safe." Also, define "your" and "data."
Q: When will these bugs be fixed?
A: They're not bugs, they're undocumented features! But seriously, never.
Abowt Michaelsoft
Our Mission
To make technology as confusing and unreliable as possible, while charging premium prices for the privilege.
Our History
Founded in 1975* by Bill Doors in his parents' garage, Michaelsoft has grown from a small startup to a global monopoly. We've been disappointing customers for nearly 50 years!
*Actually founded last Tuesday by some guy named Mike
Our Values
- 🎯 Innovation: Finding new ways to break things
- 🤝 Customer Focus: Focusing on how to get more money from customers
- 🌍 Global Impact: Crashing computers worldwide
- 🔒 Privacy: What privacy?
- ⚡ Performance: Performing poorly since day one
Leadership Team
Bill Doors - CEO
"I never said that." - Bill Doors, probably
Satya Nutella - CTO
"The cloud is just someone else's computer breaking down."
Clippy 2.0 - Chief Annoyance Officer
"It looks like you're trying to be productive. Would you like me to stop that?"
By the Numbers
∞
Bugs Created
0
Bugs Fixed
47M
Frustrated Users
99.9%
Crash Rate
Join Our Team - Carers at Michaelsoft
Why Work at Michaelsoft?
Looking for a job where you can make a real impact? Look elsewhere! But if you want to help us confuse millions of users worldwide, you've come to the right place!
Senior Bug Creator
📍 Redmond, WA (Remote chaos acceptable)
We're looking for an experienced professional to introduce new and creative bugs into our software. Must have experience in breaking things that previously worked.
Requirements:
- 5+ years of making software worse
- PhD in Creative Problem Creation
- Ability to break code just by looking at it
- Strong communication skills (for blame deflection)
Customer Confusion Specialist
📍 Global (Anywhere confusion is needed)
Help our customers feel completely lost and overwhelmed by our products. Previous experience in customer service is a disadvantage.
Requirements:
- Ability to give contradictory advice
- Expert in saying "Have you tried restarting?"
- Fluent in technical jargon nobody understands
- Patience for 8-hour hold times
Chief Privacy Invasion Officer
📍 Your Computer (We're already there)
Lead our efforts to collect as much user data as possible while making users think they have privacy. Creativity in data collection methods highly valued.
Requirements:
- Advanced degree in Data Hoarding
- Experience with invisible tracking methods
- Ability to write confusing privacy policies
- No moral compass required (preferred)
Employee Benefits
🏥 Health Insurance
Coverage for stress-related disorders caused by our own software
💰 Competitive Salary
We compete with ourselves to pay the least
🏖️ Unlimited PTO
Unlimited unpaid time off (emphasis on unpaid)
🍕 Free Food
Leftover pizza from meetings you weren't invited to